


To Live Again

by Lavisyste



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brief Mention of Self-Destructive Behavior, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Kikyo didn't die, Learning to live again, Post-Canon, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 11:02:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19208059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavisyste/pseuds/Lavisyste
Summary: By some twist of fate, the Scared Well spits out Kikyo and Kagome and seals itself shut. There is no way to go back, to right anything that's been wrong. They're stuck as they are.The only thing left to do is to learn to /live/.





	To Live Again

 

So, it’s not the happy ending either of them wanted.

 

If it could even be _called_ a happy ending.

 

Inuyasha is gone. The love of her life, her soul mate, the man of her dreams, despite everything they’ve been through, is _gone_.  He’s _gone_. She’s _stuck_ in her original timeline forever, the well sealed _shut_ with no other way to get back in. She almost can’t believe it, that she’d be spat out like this, left high and dry. For all the talk about her destiny and being the reincarnation of a powerful priestess, this is how it ends? Not with a loud bang, but with a _whimper_ in the dead of night.

There are times where she’s just too _stubborn_. She tries jumping into the well, thinking she’ll get back if she just tries _hard_ enough. But it never happens. She just hits cold, hard ground every single time without falter. She’s left there in the dark, to cry for him to save her, though she knows he can no longer hear her. _No one_ can hear her down here. She’s _alone_. She ends up spraining her ankle pretty badly once, hopping in one last time, going insane and hoping that just this _once_ , it would _work_. And if she lands herself stuck in the Feudal Era then it wouldn’t _matter_ , because at least she’d been with _him_ again.

It doesn’t _work_.

 

Her mother points it out, as she notices her limp a little. Kagome dismisses it, excusing herself by saying she didn’t look where she was going and tripped somewhere walking home. She wonders if her mother knows the _real_ reason she sprained her ankle; doing dumb things like wanting to go back to the Feudal Era when she knows she can’t anymore.

 

Kikyo probably knows, though.

 

Kikyo probably knows a _lot_ of things.

 

In this messed up happy ending of hers, she hadn’t come alone. By some miracle or curse of fate (Kagome can’t decide which), the well spits out Kikyo as well, right alongside Kagome. Now they’re _both_ stuck in a time not right for them.

It’s likely more not right for Kikyo; already fifty years dead in her original timeline, a dead woman walking. But here, in a time so separated from her own, she isn’t sure what Kikyo could possibly think of it. Maybe Kikyo doesn’t think anything of it. Maybe she doesn’t even _care_. Kagome doesn’t want to ask, as she leans back on the well, and just _cries_. It’s so stupid to cry like this, she thinks, in front of someone so cold, but Kagome just _can’t_. After a moment, Kikyo sits down next to her without a sound.

She’s unreadable. Kagome doesn’t know Kikyo like Inuyasha did, so she’s unreadable. Any glances over to her direction reveal absolutely _nothing_. Kikyo is just _sitting_ there, staring at the horizon. She makes no move to get up, or to turn her head. She just sits there, until Kagome can find the strength to get up again. Even then, Kikyo stays with her, and Kagome can’t help herself. She hugs Kikyo, holding her tight.

After a moment, Kikyo gently places her hands on Kagome’s back. “I’m sorry,” is all she says. They just stand there, lost in the dark. She’s so cold, Kagome thinks. But she doesn’t mind. Because at least someone is _there_.

When she’s done feeling terrible, Kagome decides she’s going to help Kikyo adjust as best as she could, and her mother lets Kikyo stay with them. There wasn’t anywhere else to go. Not really. So, Kagome starts to carve out a space in her life for Kikyo, messy and maligned from a torrent of emotions, but a space she can occupy.

 

 

 

 

 

A day is spent rearranging everything in Kagome’s room to make space for Kikyo. It made the most sense, after all. Kagome is the reincarnation of Kikyo, and it _was_ Kagome’s idea to let Kikyo stay with them in the first place. They are both each other’s last link to the Feudal Era, too. Kagome’s the only one left that still remains who knows both eras pretty well, so in the end, it just makes a whole lot of sense. Quietly, Kagome also thinks she might also be the bravest one. No one really knows Kikyo except for her, and Kagome doesn’t know her well. Kikyo herself doesn’t seem to mind either way; she just thanks them for their hospitality.

The first order of business is to get her small vanity out of the way. Once the surface is clear, and they put the small seat out of the way, her mother takes one end and she takes the other, and they take it outside of the room. Her desk chair is easily rolled out next, and the thing that was left was to move the desk. Once again, her mother takes hold of one end of the desk, and she takes hold of the other, and slowly, they move it beside the door. They take a quick water break, and Kagome glances to Kikyo, who’s been sitting on the couch, in silence. Kagome offered to turn on the TV earlier, but Kikyo had declined. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts, she said.

Kagome frowns. Kikyo hasn’t spoken much all day. Mostly, she’s just stayed out of their way as they’ve been rearranging the room. She guesses its best not to dwell on it – she and her mother have managed just fine. It’s actually been easier on Kagome than it has been on her mother. After spending so much time running around the Feudal Era, Kagome realizes she’s a lot stronger now. She’s able to pull and push things easier. She ends up assisting her mother more than her mother assists her. She doesn’t mind. She’s happy her mother is helping.

She stares at her small vanity, as her mother brings up the cot Kikyo will be sleeping on, until they can get her a real bed.

 

“I don’t really need this anymore. I barely use it.” She comments.

 

“I see. It would be more practical to have a dresser, isn’t it? For the two of you to share?” Her mother asks, and Kagome nods.

 

“Yeah. I think that would be best by now.”

 

By the end of the day, the room is reorganized. There’s a cot now, where her desk used to be, and her old vanity has been replaced for a dresser that she and Kikyo are going to share, when Kikyo gets new clothes, she guesses. She’s going to need them if she’s going to stay.

 

 

 

 

 

The first dinner they have as a family again is tense. The happy occasion is undercut by the fact that Kagome is visibly upset, and hardly eating. They’re happy, of course; happy that Kagome is back home, safe and south without a scratch. But it would be _stupid_ not to notice how upset she is, to miss the sadness in her voice when she explains that she’s not going back – that she’s _never_ going back. Her voice almost cracks at the end. She stares down at the table as her family is left quiet. Kikyo only gives her a brief glance before going back to her food. Her expression softens. Kagome thinks she wants to say something. _Maybe_. But she ends up not saying it.

Kikyo is clearly the elephant in the room, and no one is talking about it.

No one says anything to her. Kagome doesn’t know what to say, especially after Kikyo had something on her mind. Both her mother and grandfather know even _less_ than she does. Sota might even be _afraid_ , because he keeps looking in her direction, but his eyes never stay too long. She’s not so bad, Kagome wants to say to him. She’s a good, kind woman. There’s nothing to be afraid of. That’s what she _wants_ to say, but she doesn’t know Kikyo like Inuyasha did. Kagome doesn’t _think_ they have anything to be afraid of, but she also can’t say if Kikyo _won’t_ lash out at some point.

They mostly eat in silence, until dinner is done. Kikyo offers to help out her mother clean up. It’s the first words she’s heard Kikyo speak all day. Her mother gladly accepts, and the atmosphere is a little more natural after that.

Going to bed proves to be _just_ as awkward. Kagome lends her a pair of white pajamas, so Kikyo doesn’t have to sleep in her miko uniform. It takes a bit of help, but Kikyo figures it out. As she turns off her lamp and goes to bed, she tries to go to sleep. She tries to think of all the good things in her life, and that it isn't so bad. She lived just fine before having been tossed into the well, she can live just fine after. And there’s Kikyo, of course. Kagome has to be strong for her.

The worst part of all this is that Kikyo seems to be taking it _better_ than her. Unreadable, stoic, and calm, Kikyo has shown _no_ signs of breaking.

She wishes she had that strength.

 

 

 

 

 

The first day back at school is also awkward, to say the least. None of her friends are expecting her; they all expect her to be at home, sick, or off with her _boyfriend_. Instead, she’s here, sitting at her desk and being stared at like she’s a side road freak show. She elects to ignore them. She just _tries_ to focus on being a normal girl, a normal student, living a _normal_ life.

It isn’t like it _hadn’t_ taken quite a bit of effort to go to school in the _first_ place. She had woken up super early last night, and had gotten very little sleep. She knew she had school in the morning, but she didn’t want to get up. She guesses she wanted to be in denial for a little while longer, that everything that had happened was just a bad dream and any second now, she’d wake up back in the Feudal Era and things would be _fine_. Kikyo had brought up her breakfast, back in her miko uniform.

 

“You didn’t come to down to eat,” she said simply, but Kagome was sure she sounded a little _worried_.

 

“Thanks,” she said, and they ate breakfast in silence.

 

She stares out the window as the teacher lectures on in the background, her mind filtering out whatever he’s saying. She’s back at her desk, back in her class, listening to the same boring lessons and taking notes. It feels _weird_ to sit down for so long, to _pretend_ like she’s just normal like nothing ever happened. She doesn’t know how she’s going to adjust. She thinks of asking Kikyo, who seems to have a real handle on things. She’s envious. Kagome feels like she’s breaking apart at every seam, but Kikyo remains calm and vigilant and _unmoving_. She thinks better of it. She should be able to do this for _herself_.

After school, her friends treat her to the same old burger joint they had been frequenting for years. They’re happy to see her, of course, but it’s a little obvious she’s out of it. They tell her how happy they are to see her again, and that it’s so nice she’s not sick. Naturally, they ask after her boyfriend. The word tastes bitter in her mouth. Staring at the table, she can easily imagine him next to her. He’d be annoyed, of course, that she’d be upset as she is. He’d make a very bad attempt to cheer her up, but it would be a _genuine_ attempt. She _misses_ him. She _loves_ him. She wishes she wasn’t _forced_ to let him go.

 

She’s never told her friends the full story. She’s not starting now. “We broke up,” she says. “For good. We both decided…. It was for the best.” She sighs as she chews on a lone fry.

 

The table falls silent. It’s for the best, she said, but it’s so blatantly obvious she still has feelings for him. It’s so blatantly obvious she still _cares_. Her friends try to comfort her, reminding her of all the terrible things he had done, and all the times Inuyasha had been an asshole to make her feel better. But in the wake of it, Kagome finds it doesn’t matter. So what if Inuyasha was a jerk! So what if he didn’t always consider her feelings and was an ass! He had _reasons_ for it. They worked _through_ them.

 _See, there’s a ton of reasons why he isn’t that great for you. You can do this, you can move on._   But Kagome doesn’t know how to move on. She doesn’t know anything.

 

“And there’s Hojo! He’s still single, you know.” Ayumi gently reminds her.

 

She frowns, looking away.

 

She doesn’t _want_ Hojo. She thinks of his kind, gentle nature and she feels _nothing_. He’s a good guy, but he’s not the guy for her.

 

Inuyasha is long gone.

 

 

 

 

 

Kagome can’t pretend that things aren’t a _little_ awkward and tense, between her and Kikyo. They normally don’t share many words between them, and while they’re _now_ getting into the habit of sharing chores, they still don’t speak. She knows she should put more effort on her part – Kikyo is a naturally silent woman who listens more than she speaks, so _of course_ she wouldn’t fill in the silence herself, but Kagome is still _hesitant_. She’s half-convinced Kikyo isn’t interested in what she has to say, so she doesn’t speak, and they’re left in the dark all over again.

One bright Sunday morning, they’re cleaning their room together. Kagome is in charge of folding and putting away laundry as Kikyo sweeps and dusts. It’s becoming a routine for them. Every Sunday, they’d dedicate the morning to cleaning the room up a bit.

Kagome isn’t afraid of Kikyo. Not really. Not anymore. They’re just simply torn apart from what they both want, she thinks, stuck in places they don’t want to be in, but had to deal with just the same. They’re _raw_. Because fate is cruel. Because fate isn’t always the magical thing in fairy tales. There is _no_ shining knight atop of a brilliant white steed. There’s only the actions she’s taken, and the people she’s left behind. Inuyasha felt like a fairytale, though, despite everything.

So, it remains awkward between them, with no way to bridge the gap. She feels a tear fall on her school shirt. Damn it. She can’t cry now.  

 

“I’m sorry,” she says. She doesn’t even know why. Because she’s sick of feeling this way? Because she hates that she can’t stop crying? Because she wishes she had everything together at this point?

 

Kikyo doesn’t look at her, but she stops what she’s doing. Her grip on the broom tightens. “It’s alright, Kagome,” she says softly. “You are doing the best one can, in the face of such great pain. You should not punish yourself for your grief.”

 

Kagome laughs. It rings a little hollow. “So, I guess it’s that obvious, huh.” She sounds a little bitter. Mostly at herself.

 

“Yes. Life is pain, and suffering. But we must face that pain to overcome it.” Her voice is even, but there’s sorrow underneath. Kikyo knows pain, Kagome remembers. Kikyo knows pain really well. Kikyo looks at her then, and she’s sad. She sits next to Kagome, and she collapses into her. Kikyo holds her close as she cries all over again. She feels like a _wreck_. She shouldn’t be doing this, but she can’t help it. She’s tried so hard to stand on her own and deal with it on her own but she just can’t. So, she cries into Kikyo’s shoulder, the one person who might really understand. She’s so _lonely_. Despite all her mental protests, the actual Kikyo doesn’t seem to mind.

 

“I just wish I could move on already. I’m tired of crying,” she sniffles.

 

Kikyo hums. “And you will, Kagome. You just need time.”

 

Kagome guesses Kikyo’s right.

 

 

 

 

 

When he feels comfortable enough, her grandfather asks Kikyo a burning question.

He asks if Kikyo could be the priestess of the Higurashi Shrine.

He goes on, of course, how Kagome _would_ have been the priestess but that she hardly ever _listened_ to him or showed any interest. He’s tried so _hard_ , he laments to Kikyo, he’s tried to make her listen, to make her _see_! And he does it right in _front_ of her, as she stands next to him, annoyed and glaring at him. Is it really her fault she didn’t believe legends from five hundred years ago with no proof? Was it really so bad that she didn’t care when she had more important things to worry about, like school? Apparently it _is_ terrible, because her grandfather finishes it off that she’s not that great of a priestess because of said reasons he just went on about.

Kagome wants to choke her grandfather _out_.

Kikyo, on the other hand, seems conflicted. Kagome is pretty sure Kikyo is doing her best to be polite, but a part of her thinks Kikyo isn’t all that thrilled to be a priestess again. She remembers, briefly, that Kikyo did not consider herself human – she considered herself a cursed spirit, an undead woman forced to walk the Earth, feeding off her vengeance. Kagome thinks she’s soften from those days, but she can understand if she doesn’t want to return to her old life.

 

“I would be honored to be the priestess of this shrine,” Kikyo says, agreeing. Kagome is surprised. “But I do have one condition. I wish for Kagome to assist me.”

 

_Oh._

 

“I agree that Kagome can be a terrible listener, and is rather set in her ways,” Kikyo continues, and Kagome can feel the embarrassment start to creep up her spine. “I believe the lack of formal training is a primary source of this. But, I also believe that Kagome has shown immense promise. She has shown herself to be a powerful, capable priestess who deserves praise for her efforts. I will take care of the shrine, if Kagome will help me.” Kikyo finishes off, with a proudness that is hard to shake off.

Her grandfather looks toward her. On impulse, Kagome decides to say yes. When Kikyo had given her a hand in the past, Kagome had learned a lot. It’s a chance to get to know her better, as she remembers how she needed to put more effort in. Kikyo is a naturally silent woman, so Kagome is the one who needs to put effort. It isn’t going to be so bad, either. At least there’s no more demons.

During the rest of the day though, she couldn’t help but to think of the compliment Kikyo gave her. She feels herself flush, but decides not to dwell on it.

 

It’s probably nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

Her afternoons are now spent cleaning and looking after the shrine grandpa wants Kikyo to be the priestess of, even just in namesake. Her grandfather found a spare miko uniform in the shed that she now regularly wears and takes care of, under Kikyo’s watchful eye. To her surprise, working under Kikyo isn’t bad. Though Kikyo is never above reprimanding if necessary, she is careful and kind. She’s never _quite_ berated for mistakes, and Kikyo is happy to tell her the progress Kagome’s made if she’s made any.

Afternoons aren’t the battle ground she thought it’d be, and looking back on it, it’s all sort of silly. Kagome will likely never know Kikyo like Inuyasha did, but she knew enough to know Kikyo was a good, kind woman under all her pain and hatred, and when it was shed, she was a truly compassionate woman.

 

One afternoon, Kikyo asks her if she really thought her taking over the shrine was a good idea. Kagome is surprised. Kikyo accepted, of course, as long as Kagome went along with her, and she did.

 

“You’re not regretting it now that it’s getting busy, are you?” She laughs a little. She’s laughing a little more now, that she’s getting to know Kikyo better.

 

Kikyo smiles, shaking her head. “No. It’s not that. I suppose I’ve simply been thinking about it more. If I made the right choice.”

 

“Well, I think you can only really find that answer for yourself. But, I mean…. Yeah, I think it was a good idea. The shrine is like an anchor.” Kagome starts to explain, remembering the section from her psychology books. “And sometimes, you need an anchor in order to keep yourself grounded when everything else is spiraling out of control. Something to take solace in. That’s what my psychology books say, anyway.” A space Kikyo is intimately familiar with, without the harshness of the Feudal Era. Kagome thinks it’s helped, but that’s what _she_ thinks.

 

Kikyo nods, and does not speak on it further.

 

 

 

 

 

She cleans the shrine. She helps with people. She does whatever Kikyo needs her to do, and finds Kikyo really blossoming as a teacher, as she reteaches Kagome all the secrets of being a proper priestess, along with archery lessons. Kagome finds herself actively listening, trying to do her best. Kikyo seems to appreciate it. They're bonding.

 

 

 

 

 

The longer she stays in Kikyo’s space, the longer she lets the dead priestess bleed out into the canvas of her life, Kagome becomes even more comfortable with her. Both of them are ripped apart, yet sewn together, _stuck_ together.

Maybe there’s a space between them only _they_ could fill, because…they _knew_. Kagome feels that way, anyways.

 

 

 

 

 

One evening, Kagome is resting by the family tree as summer starts to roll around the corner. Kikyo joins her after a few moments. For once, the silence between them feels natural and comfortable, as if they don’t _need_ to speak to fill in the gaps. They can simply _exist_ , side by side. Kagome takes comfort in that feeling. She’s happy. It’s a sign of all the effort she’s put in to get to know Kikyo. It’s a sign that awkward conversations don’t need to happen. She only hopes Kikyo is happy too.

 

“You were right, Kagome. Taking care of the shrine has helped me focus.” Kikyo says, breaking the quiet.

 

Kagome smiles. “I’m glad.” It’s nice to hear that Kikyo is doing well.

 

“It reminds of how… back in my own time, I _hated_ it.” Kikyo continues, a bitterness starting to creep up in her voice.

 

 _Oh_.

 

“I have not told you, have I? I will tell you now. I resented my position as a priestess. I was not allowed earthly pleasure. I was not allowed any doubts, lest any demons or evil men manipulate. I could be not be human. I yearned for a peaceful life. My one wish…. was to live as a normal woman.” The bitterness escapes, only to leave soft regret. Kagome now knows another part of why Kikyo seemed conflicted on her grandfather’s offer – it was another reminder of her past, a past she wasn’t always so happy with.

 

Kagome thinks about it. She wants to come up with an answer for Kikyo. She sighs, as she looks out to the distance. “Well, modern times don’t have the same problems as the Feudal Era. There’s no demons to fight, no Shikon Jewel to protect. Most of the girls working at other shrines are mostly university students, you know? You don’t have to dedicate your life to this anymore. After hours, you can just be Kikyo - there’s nothing holding you back anymore.”

 

Kikyo hums. She seems to like it.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s raining that afternoon, so Kagome takes Sota home with her. She gives him her extra umbrella, as her mother had told her Sota ran off without one. Sota sheepishly apologizes, and Kagome just tells him to remember next time as they walk home. If she thinks about it, it’s the first time in a long time that they've walked home together. It’s raining, so he doesn’t have any sports practice. The news channel said it was going to be raining all week. She sighed; she never really liked the rain.

 

“Hey, Kagome?” He looks up at her, and she tilts her head.

 

“Yes, Sota?” She replies.

 

“Kikyo’s… actually really nice, don’t you think?” He asks her, and she’s a little surprised. She hasn’t noticed them interacting much - but then again, they don't all spend that much time _together_ , do they?

 

“Really?” She replies, eager to hear what her brother has to say.

 

“Yeah! Like…. I was having trouble with my soccer practice and Kikyo noticed, and asked if I wanted help. So, I said yes and I explained all the rules, and she’s been helping me ever since! She’s really nice, isn’t she Kagome?” He excitedly tells her.

 

Kagome nods, thinking of her own lessons with Kikyo. “Yeah, she is.”

 

When they come home, she sees Kikyo there, sporting a red umbrella that matches her hakama. She's on top of the stairs, as she waves to them, and Sota runs up to hug her. Kikyo asks him how he’s doing, and Sota replies with all the things he had done that day. He’s a little upset they won’t be able to practice in the rain, but Kikyo gently tells him to be patient. “The rain will leave eventually, Sota, and the sun will return.” She says to him.

For a moment, Kagome loses herself, staring up at Kikyo. There’s just something about her waiting for them, atop the stairs with a red umbrella that makes Kagome flush. It’s in that moment she realizes how beautiful Kikyo can be, as the sun breaks in the clouds and shines down on her, reflecting light. It frames around her, making her look like an angel in the grey. She brushes it off, and goes up the stairs to join them. No use staring.

 

And so, a red umbrella is accompanied by a blue umbrella, as they walk back home.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> happy pride month!! 
> 
> anyways soulcest is a pretty rare ship in this fandom and i believe there was only really 1 person who really contributed a lot. well i'm here to change that and give more content!! the content you all DESERVE.
> 
> also, heres a funny clip from my planning - "He goes on, of course, on how kagome made a terrible priestess and how she never listened and blah blah right in front of her and kagomes like “im about to end this mans whole fucking life” and kikyos a little conflicted but eventually shes like. “yeah sure ill do it. But on one condition – kagome has to help me.”
> 
> i sincerely hope you've all enjoyed this chapter!!
> 
> EDIT: 6/15/2019: i just realized i cut out an entirely an entire portion of my fic. i am so sorry.


End file.
